Unqualified Candor

CHICAGO, IL, USA - Come on, you know Wikipedia has saved your butt before - or at least answered meaningless trivia that had been nagging at you.  You know it’s been there for you when you needed it most - to look up the legal meaning of ’safe harbor’ or to find out the name of the actor who played the dad on Diff’rent Strokes.  It’s time to give back…

CHICAGO, IL, USA - Aleksander Solzhenitsyn died last weekend. He was the author of two books that I was forced to read but was ultimately changed by and grateful for having read; One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich and Gulag Archipelago.

I read One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich in high school. Larry Lonard, my high school Russian teacher required that I read it. My sophomore year, I had just turned 16, I was about to travel to the former Soviet Union - to Russia and Ukraine, as an exchange student. I was going to live in Kharkov, Ukraine, attend high school, and live with the Yakovlev family. Mr. Lonard, I think, was doubtful about my readiness to embark on such an adventure. With good reason - I was young, my Russian language skills were mediocre and I still didn’t have a full appreciation for the political, economic and social issues that Ukrainians were confronting - nor did I have a great sense of the historical context. So, of all the amazing Russian literature he could have prescribed - he made me read One Day in the Life… The story, which is truly one day in the life of the central character - one day spent at one of Stalin’s infamous Siberian labor camps, or gulags - was very centrally focussed on surviving. Its a world in which to live just one more day is an achievement. Although it was fiction, it was based upon Solzhenitsyn’s experience in a gulag following World War II. The book prepared me, not for the modern issues that faced the country (a country I would continue to study - language, literature and history - for years to come) but for understanding the history of oppression that lead to modern issues facing the people I would meet and befriend. As a sixteen year old, this book allowed me to take very seriously the largeness of my first adventure to Russia and Ukraine.

Years later, in college, I would read Gulag Archipelago as an assignment for a Russian History course I was taking. I was preparing to return to the former Soviet Union for the third time the following semester. This time, I would spend an academic year in St. Petersburg, Russia. My Russian language had vastly improved - as did my knowledge of Russian history, literature and political/social current events. It was not an easy read - contextually and physically - it’s very long. But in it, you could clearly understand the urgency that was felt by Solzhenitsyn as he told the true accounts. Although he lived for decades after its publication, he could not have predicted his long life and knew that he, alone, had to put the stories on paper. So he worked urgently to document the truth so that history would have a record of what happened to tens of millions of people. The result was a narrative of over 200 living survivors of the gulag system - their own truths along with a history of the system itself, stemming from Lenin himself. Had he waited, had he not collected the stories and published them, the truth may not have ever been told - or at least not to this indisputable degree. The accomplishment of this book was in his method for presenting the information in such a way, and volume, that the Soviet apparatus could not deny the truth that it told. I found that aspect of it remarkable - just how close this history came to never having been told, and how the cumulative voice of millions of souls who suffered and died in the gulags may have never been heard.

So, with the death of Aleksander Solzhenitsyn last weekend, I was particularly reflective. His writings gave me needed insight at critical times when, otherwise, I may have missed an opportunity to understand the historic oppression faced by a culture which hosted me and treated me very kindly. Oppression, of any kind, is important to recognize - its ramifications last for generations. It also seems to be something that is often prematurely and mistakenly said to have ended long before it actually has - with limited progress being mistaken for eradication, often by the oppressor or an indifferent and impatient public. Even in the U.S. we’ve celebrated the end of oppression which is still on-going, only with more subtlety.

CHICAGO, IL, USA - My mom sent me an e-mail today and signed-off by saying that she decided to share these thoughts with me since she doesn’t have a blog to write them on.  I decided to make her a guest blogger, and post her comments (I hope she won’t mind). I thought they were nice thoughts,  stream of consciousness.

Everything in parentheses are my comments to provide some background context to what she’s talking about. There are a couple things in there that didn’t make sense to me (like - what do the Olympics have to do with anything?) - but I think she was writing in an unedited way, which I enjoy.  For the most part, this e-mail is representative of the way my mom relates to me. She shares her journey with me, something I’ve always been grateful for. She cares enough to share the way that she copes, the way that she makes order out of chaos, the way she struggles with faith, the way that she insists on joy - despite odds sometimes being against it. She’s a pretty neat lady, my mom.

Again, things in parentheses are my contents, for info:

Eric,

I was walking this morning with Annie (her dog), and I was kinda praying for a sign that I had done the right thing (she quit her job), and I looked up and the only thing in my view was this cross on a banner at a church, and the sun was shining through the banner, and it was very bright. Whatever reason it was there, it inspired me and kind of awed me. (she’s not a religious nut - but certainly a faithful person)

I’m doing very good. I realize what that job meant to me, and with the Olympics looming, well that place should just soar to new heights, and oh …… (no idea what this sentence means) But I think I realize AGAIN, that we are not in charge. We certainly have a free will, but at different times in our life, no matter how hard we try we cannot make what we want to happen…happen. For a person who thinks anything is possible, and we can do anything….that’s a hard concept. But at those times, when I stop fighting it and decide to have this thing called faith, then I have relief. I stop and pray for enlightenment or guidance about what and why God’s will is, when supposedly bad things happen. I imagine you have gone through similar thinking during difficult times in your life and now with your harrowing experience and your convalescence (she’s talking about a recent medical emergency that I had - blood clot in my leg) of which you have no control over. If there are no accidents, no coincidences. If we’re supposed to figure out the meaning of life…..then what are we supposed to learn with these things?

On the other hand…it’s all based on faith, and maybe there is nothing else, and it is all an accident, and when bad things happen, they just happen. I don’t think so, but I can have respect for that thinking. Faith might just be a comforting illusion in this tough world. (it might be, but I know she doesn’t actually think that it is an illusion, and neither do I…)

Good News/Bad News…..who knows? My favorite Chinese Proverb (I’d never heard this proverb - I did some research. It is a proverb, but can’t find any indication that it’s Chinese). Some thing good does always seem to come from something bad in my experience.

I should not be allowed to think deeply for too awfully long However I am enjoying having the time to do so. It’s like a spiritual gift or something.

I have a busy day…..Hope you have a happy day Eric. One thing I’m sure of is that we are blessed to have our loving family and friends. (she’s right about that!)

Mom

CHICAGO, IL, USA - Just minutes ago my niece, Alex, walked out my front door on her way to the airport to head back to Kansas City after a long weekend visit in Chicago.  We had such a nice time.

Alex is 13 and headed into the 8th grade.  All the while she was here, I kept imagining myself at 13 and heading into 8th grade.  I didn’t have half of the confidence she has now.  She amazes me.  I typically think of those years as being harder on girls than they are on boys and that confidence is thusly harder to come by.  Perhaps I’m wrong about that, that its no more or less hard depending on whether your a boy or girl - but either way, it doesn’t seem to have a bearing on Alex because she is very confident.  I’m certain she has all the insecurities which are normal for a 13 year old, but she is amazingly comfortable with herself, she is happy, she is thoughtful and she is unique.

All of the credit goes to her parents - my sister and her husband.  They love her so much, and she knows it.  They’ve created a stable, supportive, loving environment - and I think with that foundation a kid can really focus on figuring out who they are as they head into the teen years.  I used to worry about Alex - not for any reason except that worry comes naturally to me.  I would worry that she wouldn’t develop the kind of confidence she has, ultimately, developed.  But after this weekend I’ve discovered all that worry was wasted energy.  She is confidently 13.

I’ll just say it - Alex wears shoes that I will never understand.  Yes, its because I’m getting old, and its because I never took fashion risks at 13 - preferring to fly under the radar as much as possible by being as mainstream as I could.   Alex on the other hand, confidently wears shoes that draw attention.  I know, they’re just shoes, right?  But at 13, I would have done whatever was required to NOT draw attention to myself.  For Alex, it’s not at all about drawing attention - but she’s also not willing to make choices solely based on fitting in, she’s willing to make a statement and she’s confident enough to get away with it.  To be honest, I envy her for that.

If I recall correctly, 8th grade through 12th grade are pretty pivotal years.  After they’re over they don’t seem as important, but while you’re in them they seem like everything there ever was or will be.  As Alex has begun to journey into those defining years, confidence ranks high among the things I wish for her, but also I hope these years bring an intellectual curiosity, a sense of adventure, passion for something she wants to become very good at and a thirst for knowledge.  I think confidence is the foundation for all these things - and so, she’s very clearly on track. Above all, I hope she’s happy.  She certainly seems to be - she seems filled with joy, laughter and abundant love.  Who could ask for more?

CHICAGO, IL, USA - Well, hello. It’s been a while.

It has been a crazy couple of months - and I have gotten off track in my blogging. Yesterday I was walking down my street toward home and I passed a guy wearing a t-shirt that said, across the front, “If I’m talking to myself, don’t interrupt me.” And, boy, was he talking to himself. It made me remember why I started this blog in the first place - to talk to myself. Don’t interrupt me.

CHICAGO, IL, USA - You have to have 12 minutes to devote to this video, but invest the time - it is worth it to see and hear Keith Olbermann’s important and articulate rage.  I hope I never get on his bad side. 

CHICAGO, IL, USA - I’ll go ahead and admit it - I’m an avid Vanity Fair reader.  Great articles covering the gamut of topics and current events while also offering most current trends in art, architecture and culture.  It’s a little high-falutin’ and I am often put-off by the magazine’s dismissiveness of anything happening in the middle 30 states, but I read it anyway - mostly for their really excellent contributed articles.  When it arrives in the mail each month I disappear into a quiet room in my home and read it cover to cover.   I always start, however, from the back beginning with the very last page of the magazine which has always been reserved for the Proust Questionnaire as answered by a selected actor, politician, Nobel prize winner, distinguished scientist or singer. 

The Proust Questionnaire wasn’t written by the French writer Marcel Proust, but he did make it famous for answering the questionnaire several times during his lifetime.  I discovered through some simple research that Proust discovered the questionnaire in a magazine in his teens.   At the turn of the century it was apparently a fad to answer such a list of questions. 

The Proust Questionnaire seems to vary slightly depending on where you read it - although 90% of the questions seem to remain the same.  I, of course, favor the Vanity Fair version.   Over the years I’ve read dozens and dozens of answers from various takers published on the last page.   Today, I decided to take the questionnaire myself, for the first time.   Here goes:

What is your current state of mind?

A sense of urgency about everything.  Urgency to accomplish things I want to accomplish, urgency to do the right thing, urgency to be the person I’m supposed to be.  I feel like time is running out. 

What is your greatest fear?

That I won’t be as good a father as I want to be, as my child will need me to be.  

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

I think as a by-product of the life I’ve lived (so far), I’ve mastered manipulation to a certain extent.  I hate it, it’s an ability I wish I did not have.  I try very hard to keep it at bay.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Self-loathing.

Which living person to you most admire?

It’s a tie. My mom and my dad.  Because they have never given up on themselves.  Because they could have given up, many times, but they didn’t.  They are both fighters.  My dad has fought his own genetic curse of addiction.  He’s fought insecurity.  He’s fought for our relationship. He’s fought against his own childhood and the father that he had, in order to be a better one to me.  My mom has fought for independence, she’s fought for happiness, she’s fought for her faith, she’s fought for her beliefs.   My parents have faced enormous odds which could have been easily passed to me, but they fought them - so that I wouldn’t have to. 

Which living person to you most despise?

Fred Phelps.  There are many reasons to despise him - but I never did.  I grew up with this man.  He lived near me, his children lived around the corner from me.  I went to elementary school and high school with his grand-kids, and after school would see them standing on the sidewalk picketing, sickeningly.  He picketed my high school graduation, he picketed the homes of people I knew.  His flock, and their intensity, have increased over the years.  He’s despicable in every way, but I never ‘despised’ him until several years ago when I drove my niece to Topeka to see a musical at the high school I attended.  My niece was 7  and Fred Phelps had decided to picket the high school in front of the entrance to the auditorium, with his disgusting signs.  My niece, having mastered reading, could read the signs.  She read them.  ”Eric, what is a faggot?” she asked.  That’s why I despise him.

On what occasion do you lie?

When I panic.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Well, E.J. of course.  He is the most kind, most compassionate and most caring person I have ever known.  He is saintly.  I do not know the source of his goodness, but I could be a billionaire may times over if I could bottle and sell it - and the world would be the place it is meant to be.

When and where were you happiest?

The year I spent in St. Petersburg, Russia - my junior year of college.   I found myself there.  It wasn’t necessarily easy, but I was happy and I have been happy ever since.

Which talent would you most like to have?

I want to be able to play the violin beautifully.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would make myself unable to panic.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

I’ve traveled to 53 countries.  Its not a contribution I’ve made to the world, but it was a personal ambition and one I’ve been personally rewarded by - for the perspective and knowledge it has offered, I am a different person, a better person.

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what do you think it would be?

A big wonderful happy mutt of a dog.

What is your favorite occupation? (Note: I’ve always taken this question to mean “a task with which one occupies one’s self” rather than limited to just a job occupation.)

Wandering aimlessly for hours in a foreign city that I’ve never visited. 

Who are your favorite writers?

Cormack McCarthy, J.D. Salinger, Thomas Merton, Stephen Ambrose, Robert Massie, Nikolai Gogol, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Yann Martel, John Irving

Who is your favorite hero from fiction?

Piscine Molitor Patel

Who are your heroes in real life?

I have a lot of heroes.  I don’t think heros have to lead extraordinary or perfect lives to be heroic.  My friend Jo Huseman is a hero to me.  She runs the Helen Hocker Theater in Topeka, Kansas - a place that gave me refuge and a place to belong when I desperately needed it.  My friend Matt Hall is a hero to me.  He is a United States Marine, he was in combat in Iraq on two tours.  He survived to come back and join the United States Diplomatic Corps.  My sisters are heroes to me.  They’re both strong, intelligent, caring women and amazing mothers. I could go on all day about heroes.  I’m constantly amazed by the heroic deeds people are capable of.

What are your favorite names?

Frances, Harry

What is your greatest regret?

That when I was unhappy, I intentionally made others unhappy.

How would you like to die?

Suddenly

What is your motto?

It’s a family motto from my mom’s side.  I’ve always liked it: “We never yield”

CHICAGO, IL, USA - This made me laugh out loud when I read it.  I don’t know who made it - but thanks, I needed a good laugh today.   It is meant to be the discarded and subsequently found and leaked ”secret memo” of the John McCain campaign regarding new slogans to use to combat what appears to be the presumptive Obama nomination.  McCain, desperate to market himself against the embodiment of “Change” and “Hope” has brainstormed the following ideas in hopes of finding those magic words that will inspire the voters.  So funny:

CHICAGO, IL, USA - I’m probably a little bit naive, a tiny bit aloof and a big spoonful of optimistic, but I’ve actually believed until recently that the events shaping the front pages of newspapers and filling the speeches made by politicians didn’t really affect me personally.  While I am a passionate observer of the political process and an ideological, opinionated voter, I have felt somehow outside of the major issues that face Americans.  I know, for example, that there is a housing crisis and that foreclosures are at a historic high.  But I don’t know anyone, personally that has faced foreclosure.  That doesn’t mean I haven’t been empathetic - but I haven’t had the personal/emotional connection to the issue. 

This weekend, I began to take inventory of the issues facing America and the world and thought quite a bit about how they affect me and the people I love - and I realized these issues hit a lot closer to home than I thought.

Gun Control:In my city - within a 10 mile radius of where I live, 20 Chicago Public School children have been killed in the past year.  In the same radius, in the past WEEK, 40 people have been shot, 12 of them fatally.  This is the community in which I plan to raise my own children.  This is the school district my kids will attend.

Housing Crisis: My brother-in-law, probably the hardest working person I know, works in the housing industry supplying materials for new home building.  The company he is working for, a family owned lumber company, was recently purchased and the purchaser, due to the market dynamics, is ending the direct-to-builder supply line that my brother-in-law runs, effectively terminating his job.

Iraq War:  My other brother-in-law is an Iraq War veteran, he spent an entire year in Baghdad during the second year of the war while my sister worked full-time, went to school part time and took care of their 2 year old.  The financial and emotional burden of that year still weighs on them, heavily.

Health Care: Insurance companies have begun to charge percentage based co-pays on some medications that treat incurable diseases - such as multiple sclerosis (MS).  MS drugs can cost up to $100,000 per year and co-pays have been consistent with other medications, at around $10 or $20.  Insurance companies are beginning to apply a 20% - 33% co-pay to these drugs, which means a possible $20,000 - $33,000  annual co-payment.

Gay Rights:An obvious one, E.J. and I would like to have the same rights as other couples regarding power of attorney in medical decisions, estate rights, adoption rights etc…  While we enjoy many of these rights because we live in Illinois, our ability to relocate to other parts of the country are limited because of reduced rights.  Even in Illinois, we’d like to see rights expanded.  Nationally, we’re concerned about the possibility of a Constitutional Amendment that would essentially use the tangible framework of our democracy as a means to discriminate (for those who wish to discriminate, there are plenty of other ways to do so without taking this shameful step).

Jobs Loss: As the economy worsens and more jobs move overseas, there seems to be a general level of anxiety about job security.  I discovered this week that one of my best friends has been laid off after her company’s business closed their doors.  In companies I’ve worked at, I’ve seen hundreds…thousands, of people laid off wondering if I’m next. My mother has been laid off, my sister too, and another good friend of mine has been laid off three times in six years from three different companies.

The Environment: Having lived in Southern China, I have seen the outcome of completely unregulated industrialization.  There were days that it actually hurt to breathe and the tops of buildings could not be seen, on a cloudless day.  I suspect that some day my exposure to that level of pollution will come back to haunt me. 

Terrorism:Terrorism isn’t a war, it’s an evil tactic.  I do think, however, that we’re the ideological enemy of groups and individuals who blame the United States for the sin, the poverty, the imbalance and the injustices in the world, and that these groups and individuals are capable of the worst that we can imagine.  Living in a large American city and traveling often internationally, I live with that concern.

Immigration: My brother-in-law, who served in Iraq, is an immigrant - having immigrated to the United States as a boy.  My nephews, therefore, are first generation Americans and the children of an immigrant to our country, which is now HIS country as much as it is anyone else.  My brother-in-law’s immigration was entirely legal due to his refugee status at the time.  Legal or illegal, we’re a compassionate country and our immigration laws should reflect that, with sensible policy not defined by hate and intolerance. My nephews are the personification, for me, of the greatness of our immigrant nation.  

American Diplomacy:  I’m of the opinion, and I think it is the majority opinion, that world’s belief in America’s core decency and values have been diminished in recent years through the practice of neoconservative foreign policies.  I travel abroad on a monthly basis and I feel the shift, I sense it and I hear it, directly, in conversations with my European or Asian peers who once admired the United States but who now question its ‘moral authority.’ 

Gas Prices: I’m only somewhat sympathetic to this issue.  I understand the larger economic consequences - that gas prices ultimately effect the price of everything that gets moved: food, manufactured goods, air travel…   But America’s inability to act on its “dependence on foreign oil” is frustrating.  With most of our major cities continuing to sprawl, most of them without truly effective public transport systems, most people buying fuel inefficient cars, and an electorate not serious enough about real change to demand it with their vote - I have a hard time with this one. 

Abortion: Like it or not, its the domestic issue of our time with no middle ground and no signs of compromise.  As a gay male, its easy to assume that the issue of abortion may never be of consequence to me.  Well, I’ll just say this.  I’m in the process of adopting a baby - a baby whose mother decided, while pregnant, that she could not raise that child herself.  Short of raising it herself, she had two choices.  I support her right to those two choices - but for the rest of my life I will be grateful for the one that she made.

Public Education: As the product of public education, the one-day parent of a publicly educated child and the uncle to six publicly educated children - public education is a mind-boggling mess.  It isn’t all bad.  There are great schools, great teachers and great curriculum.  Unfortunately, greatness isn’t offered to all kids, in all cities, in all parts of town.  Some kids get mediocre (or less) schools, teachers and curriculum.  The playing field still isn’t level.  I don’t have all the answers, but if we can put a man on the moon…

And the list goes on and on…  This isn’t a ‘platform’ and I’m making no attempt to solve the world’s problems and I know better than to reduce them to a few sentences each.  They’re complex, debatable and serious. Solutions are hard to come by.  My hope, though, in thinking through these was that I would begin to take ownership of these issues and instead of thinking about them ideologically, could put them into the context of my life and the lives of people I love, so that politics wouldn’t become a ’science’, or worse, a spectators sport.  

CHICAGO, IL, USA - KA 903 Beijing to Hong Kong - UA 755 Chicago to Seattle - UA 875 Seattle to Tokyo - JL 735 Tokyo to Hong Kong - UA 838 Tokyo to San Francisco - UA 501 San Francisco to San Diego - UA 881 Chicago to Tokyo - NW 011 Tokyo to Beijing - CX 416 Hong Kong to Seoul - NW 008 Seoul to Tokyo - UA 882 Tokyo to Chicago - UA 843 San Francisco to Chicago - UA 442 Seattle to Chicago - UA 876 Tokyo to Seattle - NW 12 Beijing to Tokyo - CA 118 Hong Kong to Beijing - NW 001 Tokyo to Hong Kong - UA 881 Chicago to Tokyo - AA 41 Paris to Chicago - AA 42 Chicago to Paris - UA 838 Tokyo to San Francisco - UA 884 Seoul to Tokyo - UA 883 Tokyo to Seoul - UA 881 Chicago to Tokyo - UA 906 San Francisco to Chicago - UA 892 Seoul to San Francisco - UA 883 Tokyo to Seoul - NW 012 Beijing to Tokyo - KA 990 Hong Kong to Beijing - CX 463 Taipei to Hong Kong - DL 1980 Atlanta to Chicago - DL 274 Lima to Atlanta - AM 18 Mexico City to Lima - AM 683 Chicago to Mexico City - UA 831 Chicago to San Francisco - UA 869 San Francisco to Hong Kong - UA 871 San Francisco to Taipei - UA 842 Chicago to San Francisco - UA 882 Tokyo to Chicago - UA 938 Chicago to London - KA 993 Beijing to Hong Kong - NW 002 Hong Kong to Los Angeles - NH 912 Tokyo to Hong Kong - NH 911 Hong Kong to Tokyo - UA 881 Chicago to Tokyo - UA 031 Frankfurt to Barcelona - UA 882 Taipei to Tokyo - NW 005 Portland to Tokyo - NW 001 Tokyo to Hong Kong