Unqualified Candor

CHICAGO, IL, USA - I’ll go ahead and admit it - I’m an avid Vanity Fair reader.  Great articles covering the gamut of topics and current events while also offering most current trends in art, architecture and culture.  It’s a little high-falutin’ and I am often put-off by the magazine’s dismissiveness of anything happening in the middle 30 states, but I read it anyway - mostly for their really excellent contributed articles.  When it arrives in the mail each month I disappear into a quiet room in my home and read it cover to cover.   I always start, however, from the back beginning with the very last page of the magazine which has always been reserved for the Proust Questionnaire as answered by a selected actor, politician, Nobel prize winner, distinguished scientist or singer. 

The Proust Questionnaire wasn’t written by the French writer Marcel Proust, but he did make it famous for answering the questionnaire several times during his lifetime.  I discovered through some simple research that Proust discovered the questionnaire in a magazine in his teens.   At the turn of the century it was apparently a fad to answer such a list of questions. 

The Proust Questionnaire seems to vary slightly depending on where you read it - although 90% of the questions seem to remain the same.  I, of course, favor the Vanity Fair version.   Over the years I’ve read dozens and dozens of answers from various takers published on the last page.   Today, I decided to take the questionnaire myself, for the first time.   Here goes:

What is your current state of mind?

A sense of urgency about everything.  Urgency to accomplish things I want to accomplish, urgency to do the right thing, urgency to be the person I’m supposed to be.  I feel like time is running out. 

What is your greatest fear?

That I won’t be as good a father as I want to be, as my child will need me to be.  

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

I think as a by-product of the life I’ve lived (so far), I’ve mastered manipulation to a certain extent.  I hate it, it’s an ability I wish I did not have.  I try very hard to keep it at bay.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Self-loathing.

Which living person to you most admire?

It’s a tie. My mom and my dad.  Because they have never given up on themselves.  Because they could have given up, many times, but they didn’t.  They are both fighters.  My dad has fought his own genetic curse of addiction.  He’s fought insecurity.  He’s fought for our relationship. He’s fought against his own childhood and the father that he had, in order to be a better one to me.  My mom has fought for independence, she’s fought for happiness, she’s fought for her faith, she’s fought for her beliefs.   My parents have faced enormous odds which could have been easily passed to me, but they fought them - so that I wouldn’t have to. 

Which living person to you most despise?

Fred Phelps.  There are many reasons to despise him - but I never did.  I grew up with this man.  He lived near me, his children lived around the corner from me.  I went to elementary school and high school with his grand-kids, and after school would see them standing on the sidewalk picketing, sickeningly.  He picketed my high school graduation, he picketed the homes of people I knew.  His flock, and their intensity, have increased over the years.  He’s despicable in every way, but I never ‘despised’ him until several years ago when I drove my niece to Topeka to see a musical at the high school I attended.  My niece was 7  and Fred Phelps had decided to picket the high school in front of the entrance to the auditorium, with his disgusting signs.  My niece, having mastered reading, could read the signs.  She read them.  ”Eric, what is a faggot?” she asked.  That’s why I despise him.

On what occasion do you lie?

When I panic.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Well, E.J. of course.  He is the most kind, most compassionate and most caring person I have ever known.  He is saintly.  I do not know the source of his goodness, but I could be a billionaire may times over if I could bottle and sell it - and the world would be the place it is meant to be.

When and where were you happiest?

The year I spent in St. Petersburg, Russia - my junior year of college.   I found myself there.  It wasn’t necessarily easy, but I was happy and I have been happy ever since.

Which talent would you most like to have?

I want to be able to play the violin beautifully.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would make myself unable to panic.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

I’ve traveled to 53 countries.  Its not a contribution I’ve made to the world, but it was a personal ambition and one I’ve been personally rewarded by - for the perspective and knowledge it has offered, I am a different person, a better person.

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what do you think it would be?

A big wonderful happy mutt of a dog.

What is your favorite occupation? (Note: I’ve always taken this question to mean “a task with which one occupies one’s self” rather than limited to just a job occupation.)

Wandering aimlessly for hours in a foreign city that I’ve never visited. 

Who are your favorite writers?

Cormack McCarthy, J.D. Salinger, Thomas Merton, Stephen Ambrose, Robert Massie, Nikolai Gogol, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Yann Martel, John Irving

Who is your favorite hero from fiction?

Piscine Molitor Patel

Who are your heroes in real life?

I have a lot of heroes.  I don’t think heros have to lead extraordinary or perfect lives to be heroic.  My friend Jo Huseman is a hero to me.  She runs the Helen Hocker Theater in Topeka, Kansas - a place that gave me refuge and a place to belong when I desperately needed it.  My friend Matt Hall is a hero to me.  He is a United States Marine, he was in combat in Iraq on two tours.  He survived to come back and join the United States Diplomatic Corps.  My sisters are heroes to me.  They’re both strong, intelligent, caring women and amazing mothers. I could go on all day about heroes.  I’m constantly amazed by the heroic deeds people are capable of.

What are your favorite names?

Frances, Harry

What is your greatest regret?

That when I was unhappy, I intentionally made others unhappy.

How would you like to die?

Suddenly

What is your motto?

It’s a family motto from my mom’s side.  I’ve always liked it: “We never yield”